Crazy Little Thing by Layce Gardner & Saxon Bennett

Author:Layce Gardner & Saxon Bennett [Gardner, Layce & Bennett, Saxon]
Language: eng
Format: epub, azw3
Publisher: Square Pegs Ink
Published: 2014-09-04T19:00:00+00:00

EZ Speaks

EZ was not only wide-awake but she was in hyper-drive. She looked at the camera and talked quickly like her tongue had trouble forming the words as fast as her brain could think them. “Sixteen Candles is perhaps the greatest movie ever made. It has everything. Coming of age, romance, mystery. John Hughes is a genius. He’s my idol. I hope to someday make a film as great as Sixteen Candles. I’ll get Bananarama and the Bangles and the Go-Gos to do the soundtrack. It’ll be about lesbians, though, a lesbian Sixteen Candles. Can’t you see it?”

G-Ray’s voice came from behind the camera lens, “Tell us about your sleeping, man. People are going to want to know about your sleeping all the time.”

“Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?” EZ asked, doing a pretty good impersonation of Arnold from Diff’rent Strokes.

“The way you fall asleep, man, all of sudden like,” G-Ray said.

“Oh, that. Well…,” EZ hemmed, “it’s not that big of a deal. It’s a minor, really minor, tiny really, problem. A couple months ago, I went to a Bananrama concert with my girlfriend and caught her in the bathroom sucking face with this other girl. Gag me with a spoon! And it was right in the middle of the encore of “Venus.” I booked it out of there and hitched a ride home. Mary, that was my girlfriend’s name, was already there because she had the car. She brought the skag with her. And they were making out in my bed. I kinda freaked, I’m not proud to say, and started screaming and shi… bleep. Sorry. I screamed and bleep. Then Mary picked up the clock from the nightstand and threw it at me. It clipped me on the side of the head and I looked down and the clock was broken. Shattered. It had those digital numbers that flapped over and over to different times, but it was stopped. And a drop of blood from my tattered ear splatted on the clock face and that’s the last thing I remember.”

G-Ray said, “So time stopped for you? Literally and figuratively?”

“When I woke up Mary had taken everything in the apartment. Now, if you don’t mind, I need to jet. I’m writing my screenplay and I’m at a really crucial part.”

“You’re working on the lesbian Sixteen Candles?”

“Yeah, but it’s more like Sixteen Candles meets The Facts of Life. Totally outer limits, right? Except in this one the character of Jo falls in love with Blair and they ride into the sunset on Jo’s Harley. Won’t that be the bomb? I call it The Burning Vulva. That’s just a working title. I want to cast Kristy McNichol in the Jo part and Molly Ringwald as Blair. I’ve already written like a hundred letters to Molly and Kristy, but haven’t heard back yet. I might have to cast Melissa Gilbert and Valerie Bertinelli if they don’t get back to me.”

“Good luck with that,” G-Ray said.

“Thanks.” EZ left, shutting the door behind her.

The camera turned until G-Ray’s face filled the tiny screen.

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